a. beam of light in blogistan
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"The Americans Are Coming!"
By Alex Beam
Kirkus: "A mildly entertaining muddle that often relies too much on exaggeration, Mad magazine-fashion, to score its points!"

"Advanced Beam Dynamics Workshop on Effects of Errors in Accelerators, Their Diagnosis and Corrections : Corpus Christi, Tx 1991"
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Friday, May 24, 2002
TESTING, ONE, TWO: Helllooooo? I'll speak up a bit so you can hear me over the sound of Alterman and Sullivan sniping at each other. Criminy! Get a room, boys! You're basically the right and left halves of the same pompous git! How abouts ya just buy yourselves a tropical island and rule it as you see fit? Sullivan can run the Church, outlaw all other bloggers and make sure Krugman never gets through immigration! Alterman can spend his day putting the island residents on various lists!
posted by a beam 12:53 PM
Thursday, May 23, 2002
SALON DOT BLOG: Can Salon live without our bloggin' buddies? I cruise over every week or so to see if there's any free stuff worth hoovering up, and I swear, every time I do, some blogger's got the big honkin' lead piece. Often it's Rabbit. Today, it's Megan McArdle of Live ... from the WTC! She's got the goods on the Health Nazis what want to sue the junk food makers 'cause the Evil Clown Bastards turned us all into Supersized-Americans! I'll take fries with that!
posted by a beam 8:41 PM
I CAN'T BELEEF EET'S NOT BUTTAH: Treacher links to a show featuring Fabio's "music!" Be afraid!
posted by a beam 4:11 PM
A CLUE! A CLUE! Gotta wee one? Watched your requisite 50,000 hours of Blue's Clues? If you're wondering what happened to goofy Steve, he quit the show to become a rock star! He's here! Fairly amusing site, actually! Can't vouch for the music, but there's a letter taking him to task for his promotion of squirrels over badgers! (Guess that damn anti-badger Mr. Mailbox forgot to deliver that one!)
I will be frank, "Mr." Burns. There is a pernicious influence of squirrel-promotion has kept the lovely, elegant badger out of the national spotlight it so deserves. Badgers are musteline, while a squirrel is frankly verminous. What hath a squirrel that a badger lacks? AAAAh. You ask the chickens about the rain, and the chickens only talk of SEED, is that it? HA HA! Ha! Mr. Burns. AH AAAAAH AAAAAH MOUTH MOUTH MOUTH HURTS HURTS.
Also this in the faq:
is it true about you and the 3 nannies in indiana?
it's slander, categorically untrue, and it was in texas, and one of the nannies was not dressed as a box turtle.
(via the By-God New York Times!)

UPDATE: Unlike myself for the moment, Treacher is not chained to a frickin' useless, soundcardless piece o' beige Windows crap. He hath gone unto Burns' page and hath listened to the music thereunto. And it is pleasing unto him and he hath pronounced it "damn good!"
posted by a beam 4:01 PM
Wednesday, May 22, 2002
LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND GETTING THE BABES: Jason poses an important question in the comments section of this post. So pardon me while I channel Rabbit.

a. beam, I know that whole "mystery" thing plays well for both the guys and gals, so I'm hoping you can help me out. Will I get all the ladies by playing Fabio for them? Or are fresh baked cookies the better route?


Well, grasshopper, the only thing that will get you all the ladies probably involves a mop and their kitchen floor. (rimshot!)

But seriously, being Fabio will get you one lady, but her name is Doris, she's 57 and she lives in Topeka.


No, child, the ladies are sensitive. The ladies are discriminating. The ladies want more than your bulging pecs and smoldering eyes. What you need, son, is a really hot car!

Also, Tony's Elvis Costello tickets would've helped, but you waited too long for that. Slacker.
posted by a beam 8:34 PM
YO! ALTERMAN! NO, UM, STUFFING THE BALLOT BOX FOR SULLIVAN! Dawn's got a poll thingie for sexiest male blogger. A. Beam is not included, as there is apparently some argument as to HIS gender. A. Beam never attempted to hide HIS gender. Although maybe the pink kitties on HIS blog caused some confusion. Sheesh, people! Irony may not be dead, but it just might die of neglect!
posted by a beam 5:38 PM
THE WEISBOMBER STRIKES AGAIN: My, my! That Weisblott sure likes to toss bombs into the ol' blogtopia! Oh, and if you go there, scroll to the bottom and tell him to change the damn layout, already! Permalinks! And more kitties!
posted by a beam 12:05 AM
Tuesday, May 21, 2002

8:43 a.m. A man called 911 at 8:43 a.m. because he was out of beer, and that's an emergency.
posted by a beam 7:16 PM
If there's anything this new technology of communication is good for, it's letting agents in Phoenix and Minneapolis and anywhere else bat around ideas and suspicions, so that connections are quickly made, lots of ideas are quickly generated, with the promising ones bubbling rapidly to the top. Does the Bureau not have some sort of secure list-server or chat room where an FBI man in Phoenix who thinks terrorists might be attending flight schools could post something, and learn from the agent in Minneapolis who has Mr. Moussaoui in custody that something might indeed be afoot?
Gawrsh! Sure sounds a lot like this May 17 Ken Layne idea!
And I've got a simple solution: all those agencies should create a Terror Blog. A group blog would be an easy way for any office of any agency to post the information and get it to everybody else. The blog would be read each morning in the Oval Office, during Bush's intelligence briefing, as well as at all the agencies and offices that contribute. Put stuff in one place and it's very difficult for information to fall through the cracks.

posted by a beam 5:59 PM
GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! Treacher's back!
posted by a beam 5:21 PM
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE THOSE PILLS EVERY DAY, WIL! "Sexy cover girl" Wil Wheaton is talking to himself.
posted by a beam 3:21 PM
Monday, May 20, 2002
THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES: Professor Instant gets a purty face lift!
posted by a beam 11:29 PM

Blair can go on about footy or whatever that damn Aussie game is and Layne can yammer about his precious Lakers, I'm gonna take this moment to send a shout out to today's pride of Spain, Aitor Gonzalez, who today in fine style took Stage 8 of the three-week Tour of Italy bike race. In a Mean Joe Green moment after a race on Mallorca a couple of years ago, he handed his cycling cap to a fan. And although A. Beam ain't no kid, he was giddy for days. Thanks, buddy! ¬°Felicitaciones!
posted by a beam 8:42 PM
HEY, DAWN, YOU'VE STILL GOT A SHOT! Adam Curry, only 60 percent gay!
posted by a beam 8:16 PM
REVENGE OF THE OLSEN TWINS: Yikes! Don't piss off Eric or Dawn Olsen! My new Adam Curry-inspired orifice is minor in comparison to the latest hunks of flesh they've torn from their adversaries! Last week Dawn eviscerated an ugly little troll and then ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti! Now Eric busts on Andrew Sullivan and his arrogant blogging ways! Chomp! Chomp!
posted by a beam 3:59 PM
HEY! YOU GIRLS KEEP IT DOWN! Dawn Olsen has a slumber party/interview with Rebecca of sweat flavored gummi. Caveat emptor! There is much giggling and swearing and many words which will get Dawn all sorts of naughty Google hits! And a touch of nudity. But it's integral to the plot!
posted by a beam 3:48 PM
Sunday, May 19, 2002
HOT FOR TREACHER? If you're looking for Jim Treacher, dude's site appears to have been hosed by Blogger. And he's not very happy about it!
posted by a beam 9:40 PM